It is less than a week before I give birth to Drew Ashton Lawrence Carr. (Ashton) I look forward to meeting my son with a mix of excitement and a little anxiety. I am 44 years and almost 10 months. We decided to forego the amnio that would tell us who he is genetically as we have all of our other children, 3 of whom were born to us after that magic number 35. This is my 4th child after 35. We had the ultrasounds, triple screen and the AFP which came back normal, but that is all we were willing to do because we did not want to jeopardize our baby's life for that genetic introduction.
If there is one thing I know about my 6 children, it's that none of them would fit the mold of being really typical. For that matter, I myself was not a typical child. I was very sweet, loving and empathetic but I had sensory issues that perplexed and annoyed my parents. I was also claustrophobic, a perpetual worrier ( murderers, kidnappers, earthquakes, poison). I wet the bed until I was 9 years old despite severe daily beatings for which I stayed bruised for months on end and did not know how to integrate comfortably with strangers. For all this I was and am full of love and understanding for all people and I have found that my unusual attitudes towards understanding don't necessarily find a target with everyone. Sometimes I blame the severe abuse that I suffered as the reason for my differentness but sometimes I blame the differentness for much of my abuse. My parents and I came from different planets.
In any case, I promised myself that when I became a mother, that I would be am empathetic parent and try not to allow my children the emotional isolation and hurt that I suffered. I promised myself I would not beat my children and that I would really listen to them and dispel their fears unlike mine which had been ignored and allowed to grow. I would get down on their level and look them in the eyes and let them know that even though I am imperfect, I will always be here for them.
Perhaps because I was a challenge myself, many of my children have also been a challenge to the promises I made myself and I have learned that there are no particular fates in either parenting or the labels that may be issued to our children. I have learned that you can not attach your ego to the development of your children, only your heart. I learned that strangers are just part of the scenery unless you decide to allow them into your world. I have learned that I don't owe the world an explanation and something that is hard to define: If someone is reaching out to you, even if it is in an awkward and maybe unwittingly offensive way, they are still reaching out. If you want to change the world, you have to give people a chance to understand yours. For example when my son with ADHD was acting out, there were many wrong things people might and did say, but if I remain calm I might be able to educate that person.
To introduce my children and the various trials:
Adrina I had at age 17. When she was born, she easily became my whole world. She was actually a more typical child than my others, but the challenge was that I was umm 17 and a single parent in a time when it was not common. I gave up every ounce of freedom I had for this being and faced an uncertain future with no visable solutions to the poverty I brought her into. I just had to believe that everything would be all right. Adrina was brilliant and had a massive vocabulary. She never wanted to quit nursing...lol She was bigger than other babies and did not start walking until 17 months old. I've heard that's late but I never gave it a thought because I had faith she would eventually walk. She was extremely willful and a massive tantrum thrower. lol
We had some smooth years and then later, she later became a very challenging teenager. She was a screamer/door slammer and a few times thought briefly about being physical with me. She wanted to have her freedom and I knew it would be too much too soon so we had "issues". I had to struggle to make her do schoolwork but I found ways to motivate her and she eventually made the Dean's list.
We did so many things together in those years that we were sometimes inseparable. I was her chauffeur for all her activities and I tried to protect her from many things, including teenage pregnancy and drugs. We had to battle it out sometimes. She didn't know that I was fighting for her future, just like many teens.
Then, when she was just 16, she started having feminine bleeding that was quite serious. I had previously taken her to the emergency room many a time with uncontrollable bleeding but kept getting sent home, until one day she almost bled to death and required transfusions, At which time it was discovered that she not only had 8" fibroids, but also a genetic anemia inherited from her father called Thalacemia. She has surgery to remove the massive fibroids and it was believed that she would be unable to have children but I am happy to say she now has 3 children. She does still get odd fibroids in different places in her body occasionally, but they are not cancerous. She just has to get them removed. Some doctors think it has something to do with the thalacemia. The diagnosis did not determine her future.
Brian was born to me when I was 21. If I was to take a guess, I would say he would have been given the diagnosis of Asperger's. When he was young he made gestures for things and sounds instead of words and at first was diagnosed as possibly autistic. I never agreed with the diagnosis because he was completely empathetic and loving and very highly emotional. He had sensory issues. He did not like loud music, strong perfume, etc. He wanted everything to be in rigid order. He would not eat his food if the two foods touched each other.
He had some learning delays (or let's say he was atypical) that I perservered to help him overcome. They called me in when he was in 3rd grade and wanted to put him in the "slow" classes but I refused to allow it. I knew my son's potential and no matter how inconvenient to the teachers, he was staying in regular classes. I changed schools because I did not want their predisposed beliefs about my son to affect the education he was getting
After pressuring from me, It was discovered when he was about 8 that he had significant vision impairment. It had never been caught, even with all the school testing. Until then, I never knew he saw multiples of everything, and he just thought that was the way things were. Between the ages of 9 and 11 he excelled to surpass his peers in many areas while still playing catch up in others. He developed a love of reading and a very formal type of speech. He did not yet understand personal space. He did not yet know how to integrate into groups comfortably. He still had sensory issues although was becoming more tolerant, but on the other hand unlike typical Asperger's, he was the understanding person you could depend on to be a good listener, the man for the job if you ever need help, the true blue authentic creature that was always unfailing.
Eventually, he won national citizenship awards. He graduated high school. He now likes loud music and perfume, has more sense than more people twice his age. He has a good job, good friends, girlfriends etc. ( all the things they said he would never do and have) He has more love in his eyes than any other person I had ever met. He's a man who you know will make a good father who attracts children and who is very gentle. You can not know a person's potential by their diagnosis. A diagnosis is a generalization that should not be allowed to consume a child's unique identity and human potential.
At 24 my son Gabriel was born. He had ADHD to the max. From the day he was born he had an intensity about him, he made eye contact immediately at birth. Starting at about 3 months ,he would get overstimulated at the same time every night at about 9 PM for about 6 hours and cry and scream no matter what I did. ( and I did a lot ) Luckily for my sanity's sake, In time I realized that all the things I tried to do for him to soothe him, were actually atimulating him more and he didn;t know how to turn it off and relax although he was tired. Eventually, the spells lasted for a shorter time until he was finally able to learn to relax.
As soon as he could walk, which was early, he would destroy everything in his path from creating inhuman messes, flushing various objects down the toilet, tearing out chunks of drywall, breaking windows, hitting other children, climbing out windows in the middle of the night ( I had to install a security system just for him ) I had to protect him from harm 24/7 as well as keep him from harming others.
He was incredibly impulsive and aggressive but not in an attempt to actually be aggressive- just his mind going 1 million miles per hour and not thinking things out. I realized that whatever it was that made him different had probably landed many a man in jail and that scared me and I now had empathy for some people who landed in jail due to a chemical lack of control.
He had sensory issues and would sit and rock with his hands over his ears just telling everyone to go away. ( sometimes shut up ) They would not make an official diagnosis os ADHD until he was 6 years old and had been kicked out of kindergarten, because he had better things to do than follow the rest of the class, but I already knew. He was also tested as having a Mensa level IQ which made him harder to handle as he got older because he had a sneaky side.
He eventually got on medication, which gave him some perspective on the difference between being able to concentrate/focus and not. He later decided as a teen that he did not want to continue taking the medication and he wanted to try to control his mind on his own. I respected the decision and he never looked back.
He was quite the entertainer and overly bold and it took a lot to keep him from getting in trouble in his teens but he never actually did. I would later hear of mischeivous pranks that belonged on the show PUNKd, but other than that and being a gross underacheiver in high school because he didn't feel like being there, I considered myefl pretty lucky. In fact, he attended Police academy for 2 years as a testament to the fact that you can not know a person's future by their diagnosis.
He is the funniest, most creative comedian I know. He occasionally gets overloaded and needs time away but then he snaps back to himself. At 21 he owns his own home, has a stable love relationship and although he is a big kid at heart, he has it going on.
Years later, at age 35 we had Alannah. She was born at full term but for some reason she did not know how to swallow correctly and had to be hand tube fed and taught how to suck and swallow. It was me pumping breastmilk and then tube feeding her for weeks and just when I was about to give up from exhaustion, she just " got it". She was the most gorgeous picture of health until she quit breastfeeding and then she started getting recurrent UTI's and kidney infections. She also had bowel problems that were related that are complex to explain. For over 2 years She was constantly ill, having high fevers, vomiting, despite prophylactic antibiotics and we only realized that she needed surgery after she almost di-d. ( I can't write the word) She had urinary and bowel problems until the age of 4 when we had a procedure done that would finally cure her. My precious girl wore diapers until age 5 because she was not supposed to "hold it". Alannah is the queen of compassion, the helpmate of all who are in need, a selfless giving person who is far too loving and kind for 99% of the world. She is a great beauty and has the most amazing mind and tests at 4 grade levels beyond her years in reading, comprehension etc.
Alexi was born when I was 38 almost 39. She is quirky, has ADHD in a lesser form than Gabriel's but it has, in the past had the effect of making her accident prone. She also does not know when she is being extremely loud, is impulsive beyond measure ( although she is also getting better about this) She has night terrors although she is finally outgrowing it some. She sleepwalks and her whole room is padded. When she is tired she will cry for hours on end although it has recently started getting better. Sometimes she will become upset and cry about things that only make sense to her. She has a strange sense of fairness that she hopes everyone will abide by. She is also a brilliant gymnast who can copy anything she sees in the gym. She can dance, do the splits, her artwork is masterful, she writes poetry and has some of the most amazing insights I've ever heard from a child. If the rest of us see in black and white, Alexi sees in vivid color. Her smile lights up the earth itself and her eyes sparkle like she has come here with a secret from another universe.
At 41 I gave birth to Ann-Jolie. Ann-Jolie is much like Alexi with some of Alannah's soulfulness. She is hyperactive, most likely has ADHD and accident prone. It takes 24 hour surveillance to keep her from harm. She tells me she loves me about 100 times a day and rubs her gorgeous face against me like a kitten. She is giggly , so much so you can hear her laugh a mile away. If there's a party that needs some life...just invite Ann-Jolie and things will soon go a million miles an hour. She is a terrorist when she doesn't get her way but she's always sorry about it later and tells you she is sorry. Pretty big deal for a 3 year old. There is so much love in her eyes.
If I was introduced to my children by a diagnosis rather than to embrace them and allow them to show me who they were, I might have been terrified.
Instead of Adrina, I could have been given the name Thalcemia and Fibroid tumors
Brian Asperger's/Autism spectrum, development delay, vision impaired, late toilet training, delayed speech
Gabriel, ADHD, behavior disorder, sensory issues
Alannah displaced ureters, chronic kidney infection, bowel disfunction, extreme late potty training.
Alexi Adhd, night terrors, sleepwalker, requires more than average supervision, sensory issues
Ann-Jolie ADHD, requires more than average supervision and lol refusal to potty train
The point is, they were all just my children and because my reality was centered around nurturing them to the best of my ability and not some label or diagnosis for which there is never a determined future or potential, I was spared the agony of worrying about the diagnosis and more able to daily deal with each challenge as it arose.
For my baby son, I look forward to finding out who you are and I hope you are healthy. No one wishes to receive a diagnosis when they give birth, only a beautiful child, in who's lungs are the breath of life. It would not be my will for you to be anything but perfect, but you already are the baby/son/child/boy/man that God destined you to be and the only certain thing is that you are a beloved member of our very unique and loving family, none of which are perfect, but every one of which is a unique creature of the universe, valuable beyond description.
